im sort of happy right now..

i hate people in general..

if i could id shoot you all right now.... i hate how people dislike me because of the person they THINK i am... you know.. if you talked to me.. youd get to know who i really am.. and what? all those PRESUMPTIONS you made would be wrong.. im so mad right now.. im trying to calm down.. and its very hard.. i feel like running into a wall.. i swear thats my solution to everything.. running into a wall..

every person has a mind of their own..

i have no control over them okay? just to let you know.. people DO think for themselves.. godddddddammmmitttt...

just fuck you all in general..

i really would like to shoot you right now.

im not the prettiest or smartest girl in the world..

but you know id really like someone whod think of me that way..

heart to heart conversations..

are good with friends.. but sometimes they make you think even more.. and you end up feeling twice as bad at the end of the day..

thank you..

for always being at my side when i needed someone to talk to.. friends come and go and im glad you havent gone... hopefully you never will...

home life..

gets to me sometimes.. i really do need to get outta here.. problems here and there.. nowhere to run to..

my debut..

is driving me insane.. sometimes i wish i could just cancel the whole thing.. what i know so far is that the hall and food combined is roughly $10,000... amazing..

im just that girl..

sitting with her head down on the table.. the girl who.. when you go to ask her whats wrong.. lifts her head smiling with red eyes and streams of eyeliner going down both cheeks.. im that girl who lets you know shes hurting.. but doesnt want you to help.. im that girl whos scared to open up to people.. and pretends to be happy..

i need a guy who..

&can make me laugh like theres no tomorrow
&would listen to me when i need to be heard
&accepts my imperfections as a person
&needs me (its wierd i know.. but its nice to be needed) but doesnt completely depend on me
&i can be myself around
&i have no fears, doubts, or insecurities about

i can totally relate..

i read afreinds blog last night.. and i realized she just said everything that i could not even express in words myself.. i made friends with people who were prettier, smarter, and better than myself.. mainly so that other people would see me that way too.. there are only so many people i could be myself around.. towards other people.. im a different person.. a person they liked.. a person they could accept..

i think im afraid...

of opening up to someone.. giving my heart to someone else.. i dont know why.. but as soon as the opportunity comes up.. i get uncertain and insecure.. something ive been waiting for is finally happening and im not seizing the opportunity.. im afriad to let someone in.. i guess im just scared that as soon as he starts to get to know me more.. he wont like the imperfections that i have as a person.. part of me thinks "maybe hes not like that maybe he would like me no matter how i act, what i like, how i think.." but im scared that he might not.. he might think im wierd or something.. and i just dont wanna end up heart broken..